my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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