Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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