i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
