i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
