And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
