I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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