Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
