woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
