I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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