Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish you could order shots online.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
