I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
