just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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