Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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