i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
