I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
