Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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