if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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