every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
