I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
