I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
