i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
