At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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