I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
there is another microwave in the elevator.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
