what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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