so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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