The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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