he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
