"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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