I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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