you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize