I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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