Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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