I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
