my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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