I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
