Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
