i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize