No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
