I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
