dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
