God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
