he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
