My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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