The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
