I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
