...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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