I'm lost and stupid without you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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