I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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