Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
