i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
