You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
