Jerry, you need to find god
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
