I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
