I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
