Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can I color on your dick again?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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