Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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