I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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