i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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