The maid of honor just puked.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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