so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
