After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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