the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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