I CAN MOONWALK!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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