it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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