he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
