Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
